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Leamington Today - Eateries
Disclaimer: The views and opinions represented below are purely personal and that of the author and are not intended to be in any way authoritative or at all serious.
Ask Location: 1A Clarendon Avenue
Being a countrywide chain of popular middle of the road Italian restaurants I’m sure you’ve all had some experience of what Ask have to offer and, despite the apparent weary cynicism of that opening statement, I have no wish to denigrate them at all. Ask always provide a polished and comfortably sumptuous eating environment with a more than adequate menu to boot and I’ve never had a bad meal when I’ve eaten there. The staff are that annoyingly good-looking generic type – you know the sort; fresh faced 6th form school leavers, head pupil, straight A, hockey captain types – and the guys take deliberate delight in upholding that great Italian tradition of grinding 2ft long pepper mills over your meal in a blatant illustration of how much bigger and much more viral their productive organ is in comparison to yours. And a good deal more peppery too and will inevitably make you sneeze. But maybe you like that sort of thing? Me, I just go for the good pasta and the luxurious desserts.
A word to the wise: Ask seem to be constantly busy so it’s not a bad idea to book a table first rather than turning up on spec...
The Big Bite Location: 122 Regent Street
I have to confess to having a huge soft spot for this place. Lovely staff and incredible food – they sell possibly the best chicken tikka sandwich in the world. And they do a mighty fine hot chocolate too. The dining area itself is rather small and can get cramped during the busy periods but it’s worth such minor discomforts. There is something friendly and intimate about the décor and the staff, in my experience, have always been incredibly courteous and welcoming. There’s a good choice of healthy foods and not so healthy alternatives. Personally I can recommend the fried egg and sausage sandwich – just the thing to raise your spirits as high as your cholesterol when your work day is nastily dry humping your leg like an ugly Chihuahua. The prices are kind to your pocket too.
The Big Cup Location: 16 Victoria Terrace
Ah, The Big Cup. Alas not a reference to the proprietor’s bra size - though last time I was there it was looking impressively fulsome - but to the volume of hot beverage that may be contained within the drinking vessels of this cheap and cheerful little café. Of course, this doesn’t stop the endless jokes about breasts and baps that are inevitably associated with the name of this delightful lunchtime location. Even my good friend, Anna F, referred to the place without fail as "The Big Cups". Sigh. So infantile. This wonderful café deserves so much better. Anyway I would just like to point out that their cups are so big you can easily get two enormous boobs worth of tea into them. Marvellous.
Boob jokes aside I really like The Big Cup. The place is proudly modest in size (despite the largeness of its cups) and menu offerings but don’t let that put you off for one moment for the food is also modest in price which is just the job for those of us that need to watch our pennies. The Big Cup specializes in a modern selection of sandwich combos and a variety of hot meals that will satisfy the salad muncher’s palate as well as the appetite of the long distance lorry driver (i.e. a big fry up and a Yorkie). I personally rate the place very highly and used to be a regular customer until they took out a restraining order on me for making incessant breast jokes when ordering large hot chocolates and yeasty baps.
Burger King Location: 120 The Parade
While Burger King is often perceived as being the poor relation to McDonald’s (which is ridiculous when you consider the value of Burger King’s assets) it is certainly of the exact same cheese ‘n’ grease fast food calibre. Yet there is something I like about Burger King. Admittedly it is only their Chicken Royale Meal but at least I like something about the place. Oh and their tomato sauce is far superior to McDonald’s as well. Somehow there is something slightly less irritatingly American about the Burger King set up. They’ve allowed a Britishness to infiltrate their overall dining ambience. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that their staff look like they’ve all been put onto a communal ASBO. And that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It gives the place a White Trash Friendly atmosphere which, coupled with their cheap meal deals and shakes, enables many of the locals to maintain their precarious burger and fags lifestyle. I’ve also never felt the need to check the inside of my bun for malicious bogeys which, I’m sure you’ll agree, is a huge thumbs up for any burger establishment.
Café Rouge Location: 95 - 99 Regent Street
Ooh la la. J’adore un grand seau de vindaloo but there are some days when I quite fancy a nice bit of French instead. And when I feel in need of a quick Frenchie there is but one place to go in Leamington - and that’s Café Rouge. I shall now attempt to review the aforesaid établissement without at all mentioning the words frog and garlic cos that would be really cheap and nasty. And if there is one thing that Café Rouge isn’t - it’s cheap and nasty. There are Café Rouges in most big towns these days so I’m sure you’re all familiar with the basic set up... and the one in Leamington certainly hasn’t set out to break the mould. The food is mid priced - expensive enough to successfully screen out the patronage of armpit scratching proles and trailer trash tightwads - but reasonable enough that a young buck could afford to wine and dine a prospective pull on his McDonald’s wages and still have change enough to buy this month’s copy of Viz.
Actually the place is well patronaged by a variety of folk and always seems to do a fair trade. The food is generally excellent - I’ve never been disappointed by the quality of any of it and the staff are always courteous and accurate with your order. My only gripe about the place is taking my wife there for a Valentine’s meal and having to wait nearly two hours for our main course to arrive due to problems with the oven... but this dire event was a one-off and I have to say the manager instantly gave us a free meal for two on the day of our choice to make up for it. You can’t say fairer than that and I was perfectly happy to go back. There were no problems at all the second time round. Obviously The Scarlet Pimpernel had liberated the oven from the grip of Madame Guillotine and saved those damn Frenchie’s yet again. Rebbit!
The Emperors Location: 5 Bath Place
The Emperors is a high class Chinese restaurant whose very ambience of quiet sophistication and oriental grace effortlessly screens out the patronage of lager-loving, nicotined fingered, chip chomping proles and every resident from Lillington's Eden Court (the town's human fly-tip where the council dumps every undesirable and social criminal that falls within their concensus) in such an effective manner as to render the place an absolute paradise... and that's even before you step inside and sample the menu. The place is spotlessly clean (always a plus in an eating establishment) and the staff are attentive to the point of obsession. Drop a prawn cracker on the carpet and they'll be at your side with a Dyson and a replacement before you can say "The nature of Monkey was irrepressible". This is the kind of service that I like.
Seriously though I can't praise or recommend The Emperors enough. Fantastic menu selection. Food faultlessly prepared, cooked and served (I've never had to wait more than 20 minutes for my food to arrive). Invisible but always available serving staff. Serene, relaxed and enjoyable atmosphere. This is what eating out should be. Dine like a king.
The Grand Union Location: 66 Clemons Street
Situated on the Grand Union Canal - hence the name (doh!) - the Grand Union Restaurant has long established itself as one of Leamington's finest eateries. The standards are as high as the seating area is low... entered from the doorway on Clemons Street you must negotiate a flight of steps down to the level of the canal which runs slickly by outside the patio windows (and would put you off the posh gravy but for the voluminous white curtains that shield it from view). For all that you're effectively eating in a basement the atmosphere and decor of The Grand Union is warming, sophisticated and idiosyncratically efficient. The place has real character and bigs this up without pushing it into your face. Those of you mooching around town and planning on dropping by unannounced please be warned: The Grand Union operates a "reservation only" policy and there is only one sitting - the restuarant opens at 7.30 pm with the first course served at 8.00 pm. Wow. There are some actual facts contained in this Guide! I need a drink.
I have it on good authority that should you order duck from the menu the bird is actually bought in from a reputable local wholesaler and not niftily skimmed from off the surface of the canal outside. But don't quote me on that.
McDonald’s Locations: 34 The Parade & Queensway
McDonald’s are the culinary equivalent of sand at a beach picnic (in my humble opinion) - they get absolutely effing everywhere and make everything taste gritty. I’m sad to report that Leamington Spa has long been a foot soldier in the marauding army that is
the McDonald corporation - I think they set up shop here back in the 80’s – we were
just one more humble step along the road to burger based world domination. But hey,
what do I know about such things with my incomprehensible tastes for unprocessed beef
and un-reconstituted chicken? A nation of shell-suit wearers can’t be wrong.
Hundreds of families and young people flock to the place hourly for their daily ration
of Big Mac and McDonald’s Cola. I can’t say that I’ve ever seen Gordon Ramsay eat there
but I wouldn’t dream of suggesting that that should be seen as an overly eloquent
restaurant review...
Fast food and American-esque familiarity. What can I say? It does exactly what it says on the tin. No I don’t want fries with that. I want chips. And I still think Ronald is a big hoofed, pasty faced w*nker. So there.
Mr Spuds Location: Regent Square
For those of you that like your food on the hoof I would like to recommend the intractable talents of the not at all vainglorious Mr Spuds and his happy band of potato helpers, none of whom ever have chips on their shoulders or unsightly mash stains on their aprons. And that’s a massive recommendation indeed. Mr Spuds operates somewhat like a faux Victorian street vendor with his little ovens blasting merrily away beneath a gaily decorated red tarpaulin in the town centre while sooty faced urchins and one legged orphans beg pennies from the rich ladies that stroll around the shops and the noble gents what need their shoes shining and their moustaches waxed and their horses re-shoeing.
Ok so that last bit was twaddle but Mr Spuds is indeed that rare and precious thing - a bona fide street vendor. And while he might not be serving up hot chestnuts or whelks over an open fire he is instead serving up a delicacy that is far more superior in my humble opinion... the great British baked potato. And these spuds of the gods are mightily delicious on their own (with just butter) or with the immense variety of fillings and toppings that the magic Mr Spuds offers to his many customers. Personally I can recommend the chilli con carne. At little over £2 for a very filling and reasonably healthy meal I think Mr Spuds patrons have very little to complain about. What can I say? Fast food without the grease and chemicals. And it’s good to support local businesses. Eat a spud and change the world for the better!
Newbold Bar & Brasserie Location: 18 Newbold Street
I have a very adolescent (some would say pre-pubescent) smirking fascination for pubs that call themselves "brasseries" and I recognize that this puerile reaction has everything to do with the fact that the word brasserie looks very similar to the word brassiere. Especially if you’re drunk, dyslexic or infantile. I, of course, tend to the latter persuasion so am always disappointed when I visit The Newbold to not be confronted with rafters and bar pumps positively festooned with pantie girdles and crotchless undergarments freshly imported from the Ann Summers shop down the road. And then, slumping into my back-up professorial semantic mode, I’m just as equally saddened to discover that the lounge area isn’t awash with gleaming brass ornaments or a hot little forge in which to manufacture them.
It’s a good job they serve alcohol at The Newbold because after those two double blows of major disillusionment I tend to be in need of a stiff drink.
The Newbold isn’t a bad place to go for a midday meal or an evening one for that matter and their big plus - for those of you with growing families - is that they are kid friendly. Though battling with a pushchair through the densely packed tables and chairs does sometimes make you wonder if perhaps they have a secret dislike of the under fives. The prices are reasonable as are the staff and the clientele - in fact the place is totally infected with a pleasant, urbane, middle class atmosphere. And I don’t mean that to sound like a complaint at all. God, anywhere that subliminally excludes chain smoking, shell-suit wearing, foul mouthed white trash scum is absolutely fine by me and just might find me becoming a regular customer. The décor is somewhat bland and faceless but at least the meat dishes, though also thankfully faceless, are at least as far removed from bland as meat dishes are able to be. They’re dead tasty in fact. Especially when they dress them up in lacy knickers and leather basques with brass studs and piping. Grrrrrowl!
Paprika Club Location: 22 Regent Street
Let’s face it, cheap lager-and-chip curry houses are two a penny in this country and the Midlands, being the birth place of the Balti, has more curry houses per square mile than New Delhi on a tourist drive. But really excellent curry houses are a lot harder to come by – especially ones that genuinely excel at Anglo-Indian cuisine. The Paprika Club is one such rarity and I really can’t praise the food enough. If you fancy yourself a curry connoisseur then you have to give The Paprika Club a go. Opened in the nineties, The Paprika Club quickly established itself as one of Leamington’s top dining places. The spice mixes are subtle and exciting – none of this "so hot you can’t taste the blood from your gums let alone the food" rubbish – and are contrived to massage your tongue into a state of delirium rather than beat it insensible with a red hot poker.
The Paprika Club is an excellent venue at which to entertain family, friends or that hot date into whose quivering knickers you so fervently wish to leap, tongue akimbo. My only problem with the place is the décor. Last time I was there the walls were as crisp and white as hospital bedsheets and the furniture - a collage of purples and blues - looked liked it had been stolen from the Business Class lounge of an international airport. It was like eating a meal at a Conservative Party conference... which isn't quite what you require when you’re indulging in a spot of quivered knicker diving but, that small gripe aside, the furnishings don't detract at all from the sophisticated culinary ambiences the chef labours so hard to produce with his excellent dishes. And that's exactly as it should be - I mean you’re there to feed your stomach not your Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen sensibilities, right?
Go and eat there at your earliest convenience – you won’t regret it - but do take your own flock wallpaper.
Pizza Express Location: 168 The Parade
Situated in one of the gorgeous Regency buildings on the corner of The Parade and Dormer Place, Pizza Express benefits from not only being smack bang in the middle of the town centre but also from being visible from two of Leamington’s main parks - The Jephson Gardens and the Pump Room Gardens. This enviable location grants Pizza Express a large catchment area and certainly I’ve never seen them short of pizza scoffing punters wolfing down their firm and crispy bases topped with all manner of vegetarian and carnivorous delights.
Ok. That’s enough purple prose for one review.
Yeah Pizza Express gets the Pocketropolis thumbs up. Kid friendly, fast, friendly service, value for money and superb food. It’s one of those rare places where you could blindfold yourself and pick something off the menu with a pin and still not ever be disappointed by what the waiters bring you. Unless you stuck a pin in the address of course. Or your own thumb. If you want good, home made, freshly prepared pizza rather than the pre-packaged mass produced guff offered by other pizza establishments then Pizza Express will suit you nicely. Why not take a pin and give yourself a nice surprise?
The Saxon Mill Location: Coventry Road, Warwick
Ok, so The Saxon Mill is situated in Warwick and so technically shouldn’t feature in a guide that’s about Leamington Spa but if you’re coming to Leamo and you’ve got a car then The Saxon Mill is well worth the effort to drive out along the Coventry Road to sample its first class cuisine. And its first class setting. Converted from an old water mill the pub actually has part of the River Avon flowing beneath it and given that the directors / managers have retained much of the old mill furniture - the water wheel, etc - the whole place is alive with an atmosphere resonant of the olden days when the druid wives would come to this spot many years ago to dash their Persil drenched smocks clean upon the rocks of the River Avon. Ok. I made that last bit up but the water wheel is still in existence for all to behold. There’s a lovely seating area outside which is just perfect on a sunny day and which takes in stunning views of the Avon and Guy’s Cliffe house and grounds.
Inside there is a sumptuous bar area and stairs that lead up to a big open plan restaurant - after all it would be very bad form if they expected you to use a grappling iron and rope to get to your table. The place is airy and spacious and yet an atmosphere of intimacy is effortlessly cultivated. The Saxon Mill does a brisk trade so I would always advise pre-booking before you visit - especially if you’re taking rich relatives of huge future importance out for a meal or even just that shop girl into whose skimpy tabard you so salaciously want to dive. Having said that the wife and I have, in the last 9 months, dropped in on them twice without any warning or prior arrangement for an impromptu midday feast and the very accommodating staff have always provided us with a table without any trouble whatsoever. Such service always gets a thumbs up down my end. Or something like that.
And the food... ah the food! Definitely leaning heavily towards traditional Italian cuisine but that only produces another thumbs up from me. Any more of that and my eyes will really start to water. To be serious for one moment: I’ve never ever had a bad dish there. The portions are generous without being intimidating and the food is always cooked to perfection - a much over used expression but in the case of The Saxon Mill it really is true. Prices aren’t dirt cheap but they are very affordable for those of you on a tight budget. It’s a great way to treat yourself and a loved one without breaking the bank or into a sweat. I can’t recommend the place enough. Go, eat, be happy.
The Thai Twig Location: 31 Augusta Place
While Indian has become the new fish and chips so Thai has become the new Indian and this is reflected in the number of Thai restaurants that have sprung up in the UK over recent years and indeed in Leamington itself. The Thai Twig is one of the good ones - though in truth it’s difficult to find a bad one; as yet Thai food remains exotic enough that the average white Joe Beermonster still can’t discern whether what he’s eating is first class or fifth rate, he just knows it’s Thai and whether he likes it or not. This is not so with Indian cuisine where we as a nation are now so au fait with Baltis and Bhoonas as to be able to convolutedly discuss the various spice mixes over kulfi and coffee without batting an eyelid or mashing a syllable. Try pronouncing a Thai menu and you’ll have the frighteningly polite waiters flinching under the barrage of mangled diphthongs and strangulated vowels and presenting you with your dish as if they were placing pearls before swine.
Pronunciation aside eating at a Thai restaurant is always a nice experience and The Thai Twig is no exception. The atmosphere is always mellow and peaceful but not restrictive and young children seem to be welcomed and indulged – a plus for families who like to eat out but can’t always lay hold of a baby sitter. The prices are agreeable too and one can enjoy a taste of the East without risking a taste of Cardboard City. Another plus is that Thai restaurants as a rule don’t seem to attract the dreaded lager and crisps yob element of our culture. So. A good place to get away from your spouse/parents/teenage kids perhaps...
Vialli’s Location: 24 Victoria Terrace
One of Leamington’s many infamous kebab joints and staffed by what at first seems to be five almost identical Turkish brothers of unnatural relation but in fact turn out to be five unrelated male specimens of differing quality whose places of birth are as wide ranging as the set of their eyes and their bristling eyebrows. I have it on good authority (i.e. from a friend of a friend) that their warm and customer friendly demeanour is merely a cover for the pulsating racial hatred that they nurture for each other. A hatred that threatens to erupt each closing time into a fight to the death with red hot spatulas and unwashed salad tossers... Of course all of that could be complete bull but I wouldn’t know as I wouldn’t dream of frequenting the place anywhere near closing time as closing time for Vialli’s is inevitably sometime after the pubs and clubs have closed. Which is never a good time to frequent anywhere. Cue hordes of boozed up T-shirts and mini skirts congealing on the place like a huge vodka soaked scab. Cue said hordes inevitably getting mouthy with each other and exploding into Hong Kong Phooey pockets of lame violence and personal injury. Cue huddles of underage girls sobbing mascara train tracks into the talcum powdery depths of their cleavages as the police finally arrive to sort out their boys from the men (i.e. sort out the pathetic yobs who can’t hold their beer from the staff at Vialli’s who can’t hold a decent conversation in English). Thus ends another night at Vialli’s.
The food? Cheap and cheerful. And I have to say that the restaurant is always spotlessly clean. Mainly cos all the fighting takes place outside.
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