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Leamington Today - Entertainment
Disclaimer: The views and opinions represented below are purely personal and that of the author and are not intended to be in any way authoritative or at all serious.
Apollo Cinema Location: Portland Place
Its facelift completed in 2005 the magnificent multi screen Apollo Cinema arises from the humble carcass of the old single screen style shed that once graced the corner of Portland Place in the exact same spot that the modern Apollo now resides upon. Basically they just done it up but gawd did it need doing. The original Apollo was partially destroyed by a fire a few years ago, started (allegedly) by a disgruntled colleague who wanted the old fangled moviedrome to show exciting ground-breaking films like "Debbie Does Dallas" or “Betty Bonks Birmingham” rather than the dreary tosh it usually showed like any film starring Will Ferrell or Will Smith. Obviously this weird employee had a real hatred of willies and was justly relieved of his burdensome employment by the forward thinking dynamos in The Apollo’s management team. The same management team that totally revolutionized the way Leamington viewed its humble cinema by replacing its original name of "The Regal" with the new, sleek, modernist, rocket-like "Apollo" back in the early eighties. Yes I am being sarcastic.
Actually the Apollo does a pretty fine job of keeping Leamington current with new movie releases and there is always a good mix of blockbusters, kid’s films and chick flicks to satisfy nearly every palate. Nearly. The one market The Apollo doesn’t seem to cater for is that of European cinema. And that’s my one and only bugbear with the place; it’s too popularist. But hey they gotta make a living ain’t they and the refurbishments have paid dividends as more screens inevitably mean more seats and more seats invariably mean more bums on them and thus the salivating cash registers ping themselves silly into electronic ecstasy. All good for the economy of the town I suppose.
I’m sure like any cinema in any town The Apollo has seen more than its fair share of spooning and front bottom bingo in its back rows over the years to fill the pages of an erotic memoir or five and sicken even the hardiest bishop. But despite that, the seats are always assiduously clean and goo-free and I’ve never ever suffered a trouser-stuck-to-the-seat occurrence in all my years patronizing the place. Apart from that one and only showing of "Betty Bonks Birmingham" but the dulcet tones of Timothy Spall and Noddy Holder have a peculiar effect on most people so I’ve been reliably informed... "Ooh yow are sow seck-say I fink I’ve creemed me Officer’s Club kecks. Yow right mucky little hoo-er!"
Look it’s a ruddy cinema. If you want to watch a film it’s the logical place to go. What else do you want me to say? Ticket prices are in line with the area and the sweets and drinks are, naturally for a cinema, over-priced. Book yourself in for the next Nicole Kidman film by all means but take your own curly-wurly.
Loft Theatre Location: Victoria Colonnade
The Loft Theatre is one of Leamington’s hidden jewels but it’s out-of-the-way location, although adding to its idiosyncratic "cuteness" does it no real favours in terms of its future development. Small, compact, rather bland looking from the outside, The Loft finds itself tucked away out of harm’s reach (like an old wheelchair bound granny shoved into the backroom during a wild sex party) along the far murky recesses of Victoria Colonnade. Few people, aside from the fiercely loyal Loft aficionados, know that it even exists and outside visitors to the town who stumble upon it accidentally like Lucy finding a secret wardrobe to Narnia are totally gobsmacked that it’s there at all. In marketing terms this is a disaster.
And yet The Loft defies all these disadvantages and does rather well, surviving all the brickbats that the fierce decades have thrown at it. Its continued success, I’m sure, is due to the passionate loyalty that many Loft goers feel for the place and the fact that outside of Stratford-upon--Avon and Coventry there is no real competition or alternative for people who get their kicks patronizing small theatre companies in the evenings. It’s also nice to have a cultural alternative to the glut of huge multi screen cinemas that choke much of this country with their pro Hollywood propaganda reels (bah humbug). Whenever I’ve seen a play at The Loft I’ve always been very impressed with the production standards and with the professionalism of the whole set-up. For all it’s tucked out of the way, the fact it’s within the heartland of Leamington town centre does it a massive service: it’s within easy reach of everybody in town. So there really is no excuse not to pop along and watch some live theatre once in a while instead of stewing in front of the TV night in and night out, is there? Hey and The Loft also exhibits mini art exhibitions upon the walls of its bar and waiting area. Cultural bonus!
Royal Cinema Location: Newbold Terrace
Although condemned to exist within the putrid bowels of the Spa Centre the Royal Cinema should be viewed as a separate entity entirely. And by that I don’t mean you should see The Royal as a piece of faecal matter passing through the lower intestine of some hulking beast to be later voided and disowned when nature has taken its course. No. Not at all. Because The Royal is as far removed from a piece of faecal matter as it’s possible for a cinema to be. Which is pretty far. In short The Royal is a superb little cinema and I definitely have a massive soft spot for it. Which also isn’t faecal in the slightest.
While the Apollo might grab the lion’s share of Hollywood movie blockbusters, The Royal tends to acquire far more interesting if sometimes more modest offerings from the heady world of Cinema. Being a good deal smaller in size than the huge multi screen monstrosities that litter the Warwickshire countryside the managers of The Royal have wisely sussed that as they just cannot compete head-on with the big boys (indeed there are few of us who can) they instead need to corner a niche market in order to survive. And corner they have and survive they do - and good for them I say. Which isn’t to say that The Royal doesn’t sometimes showcase a blockbuster as big as the best of them. And that isn’t remotely faecal either. Honestly.
The prices are reasonable for the area and though the décor is rather old fashioned who looks at the wallpaper when the lights go down anyway? My only gripe would be that the sound system - certainly on my last visit anyway - was sometimes not up to the challenge of the exacting pace of the modern movie soundtrack... but given the less than stadium-like proportions of the screening theatre the sound is decent enough and not too off-putting. And the intimacy of the venue also seems to put off spotty adolescents, tongue-wrestling couples and people who loudly eat family sized packets of potato crisps during the good bits. This, for the die-hard film fan, can only be Heaven.
Spa Centre Location: Newbold Terrace
Squatting like a huge concrete gremlin not 20 yards from the sculpted wilderness of The Jephson Gardens, this singular edifice has showcased some of the Uk’s finest and most choice variety performers. Jethro, Joe Pasquale and even Joan Collins have all straddled the Spa Centre’s lavatories at one time or another, voiding a cheap Bhoona from one of the South Town’s most risqué curry houses no doubt. Built sometime in the 1950’s or 1960’s (I really can’t be bothered to find out exactly when) the Spa Centre is an architectural monument to concrete slabbery and ham fisted mortar. If I was feeling charitable I would describe its shape as being idiosyncratic. Instead I shall say that the building resembles a Lego house that has been drop kicked off Beachy Head and then sat upon by John Prescott or some other fat philandering f*cker. Needless to say I don’t have pictures of this building blue tacked to my bedroom ceiling.
Aside from the likes of Tarby and The Chuckle Brothers (on their own enough to give the Spa Centre a fatal dose of sick building syndrome) the building has also been the crash pad (i.e. the opposite of launch pad) for such entertainment world luminaries as The House Of Love, Hinge & Bracket and Danny La Rue. And I’m only lying about Danny La Rue. Why the building hasn’t been demolished as a public menace is beyond me. Giving these people a venue to perform is WRONG! It’s not helping them in the long run. It’s like giving money to a tramp who you know is only going to squander it on a cheap bottle of methylated spirits and so accelerate their liver’s headlong rush into cirrhosis and death. These people need to be put out of their misery quickly and cleanly. A single blow to the temple. A merciful bullet in the crust. A presenting job on Bid TV (for example).
Anyway, if you’re mad enough to fancy a bit of vaudeville during your stay in Leamo then the Spa Centre is the place for you. Though given it’s penchant for hosting the WAG Gang Show (or whatever it’s called) every bleeding year it should be called The Spaz Centre in my book. No I don’t like the place. Yes I did see Hinge & Bracket there once. I was with relatives and they made me go. Yes it did scar me for life. Now sod off.
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