Comment Archive:

Friday 1st September 2006

Most Haunted

scared yvette picture What is it about Living TV’s Most Haunted that attracts me? I really can’t figure it out. Although it’s hardly a question that has kept me up at night, bleary eyed and sleepless, it is one that I’ve been deliberating over rather a lot of late. God you can tell it’s been a quiet summer here in Leamington, can’t you? Regular readers of this site... ahem, sorry. The regular reader of this site will no doubt already be aware of my fascination with Most Haunted through my occasional references to it in my blog. Even there I’m usually slightly abashed at my liking for the show and freely admit that my wife rips the piss out of me for my sad dedication to the Most Haunted broadcasting schedule. But I can’t help it. I have a genuine fascination for the show.

yvette fielding picture Yes. I know that all the bumps, wheezes and groans are probably being staged by hidden members of the production team. I know that the in-house psychics have probably been spoon-fed names, dates and other salient pieces of information by the show’s researchers. I know that the famous light orbs that float around the Most Haunted team are more than likely bits of fluff or dust or moths or airborne snot or anything at all in fact but bona fide ectoplasm. But nevertheless there exists the possibility - unlikely as it may be in this hyper-cynical, boringly pragmatic world of ours - that all the recorded phenomena are in fact genuine. Basically my argument is as follows: yes it probably is all bollocks but you can’t prove beyond all doubt that it is; therefore there is a small chance that it is real and it this small chance that keeps me watching.

karl beattie picture Cos let’s face it. Everybody wants to believe in ghosts. Even those among us who staunchly refuse to believe in ghosts either through lack of imagination or lack of a central nervous system secretly want to believe in them. It’s human nature. Every culture on this planet is rife with stories of ghosts, faeries and spirits. There is a real human need for supernatural drama and spiritual experience. We all thirst for it no matter how much we may deride that need in ourselves and in others... and how much we may deride those who seek to satisfy that thirst. Even my wife will admit to liking a good ghost story and enjoying that occasional thrill of fear we all experience when doing something slightly dangerous or scary. Well it’s all part and parcel of the same thing.

cath howe picture Yvette Fielding and her team know this and cleverly tap into this subconscious need to create what is - all arguments of authenticity aside - a highly entertaining show. Believe or don’t believe, it’s entirely up to you - but it detracts nothing at all from the very amusing shenanigans that unfold each week as Yvette, the Most Haunted team and resident psychic, David Wells, ghost bust the various haunted manors, gaols and castles that litter the UK like MacDonald’s hamburger cartons around an inner city youth club. It’s a veritable psychic soap. Or Big Brother set in the realms of the undead.

And therein, I suspect, lies the popularity and longevity of the show. It’s personality led and we care about the characters more than we care about gaining cast-iron empirical proof that life continues after death. Who cares if that ghostly howl was dubbed on afterwards? Just show us Yvette’s terrified tonsils neatly framed in her wide open mouth in "night mode" and we’re happy.

grim picture It is Yvette, after all, who is the true star of the show. She’s a pint sized pre-Raphaelite squeal queen and we all love her for it. Yvette is the over-excitable kid sister (or big sister depending on your age) that we all secretly wish we had; earthy, bolshi when she needs to be, an inveterate giggler and likely to jump out of her voluminous skirts at the merest sound of a cobweb snapping in half. What is it with Yvette’s skirts? Seven series into Most Haunted and Yvette’s dresses and coats - all comfortingly black and gothic looking - have gradually become more and more dense and obscuring. I swear to God in the episode I’ve just watched I thought she was turning into Grim from The Grim Adventures Of Billy & Mandy. Fitting in its way but those huge Victorian bustle-busters do little to flatter Yvette’s tiny frame. Still, maybe Yvette is packing a nuclear powered ghost bazooka akin to those used in Ghostbusters somewhere up in the dark corner of her skirts (nearly typed Müller Crunch Corner for a minute there... would not have been good). Now that would be a series worth watching.

Ultimately though Yvette’s pulling power lies in her decibel crushing vocalizations of terror. I’m sure there’s an army of lonely males out there who get their sole kicks in life from hanging onto Yvette’s every whimper, scream and squeal. I wouldn’t be surprised if an Yvette Fielding soundtrack isn’t already doing the rounds on the sex line circuit as I type these very words (memo to self: maybe should investigate this exotic business opportunity a little further?). Although Yvette doesn’t float my boat in that way I can admit to seeing the attraction of being with a woman who’s a real squealer. Hey, don’t knock it till you try it.

derek acorah picture The rest of the team though have also all come into their own. The rigger, the soundman, the make-up artist have all carved out their own little niche in the show and are now fully fledged stars in their own right. As each paranormal investigation gets under way each member of the team slots neatly into their allotted role... hysterical historian, Richard Felix, gabbles on excitedly like a rabid imp, believing without question that every knock, bump and fart is a communication from the other side. His total gullibility is actually quite charming. Karl Beattie (producer) and Stuart Torvell (rigger) are the hard men of the team, the tough nuts who’ll stick out the darkest most loneliest vigils... and then swear like East End grannies when the supernatural going gets too rough. My personal favourite is Cath Howe, the make-up and stylist girl, who without fail succumbs to blind numbing terror within the first five minutes of every investigation and then grips onto the arm of whoever is nearest to her like a limpet mine, says she really doesn’t like it and is then back next week for even more ghoul based terror. Let’s face it, anybody who had the nerve to apply eye liner to Derek Acorah’s fish bowl eyeballs (David Wells’ psychic predecessor) must have more guts deep down than they give themselves credit for.

david wells picture The resident psychic is, of course, the lynchpin of the show - the veritable gateway to the world of the dead. I have to say that David Wells is a vast improvement on Derek Acorah. I know Derek has his die-hard fans (no pun intended) but I’m not one of them. I found his frequent asides to his spirit guide, Sam, intensely risible and annoying - can you give me a name Sam? A name? Michael, Mary, Marvin, Mickey, Madeleine, Mollie, Müller Crunch Corner, thank you, Sam, thank you... what about a date, Sam? Ooh. Thank you, Sam. Sam says they died sometime over the last two thousand years and that they’re definitely dead. And that they’re either male or female. Does that help? Yeah right. I’m convinced that Derek was a charlatan and a cheat. There was just too much fluff and wadding between the information Derek produced and what the historical facts actually were. And he was a crap actor. His regular bouts of "spiritual possession" were laughable. I strongly suspect they were just an excuse for him to adopt a silly northern accent and get himself turned on by calling Yvette a bitch and a whore. All of which Yvette took really well, bless her. (Hmm, memo to self: possibly expand on the Yvette sex-line idea... maybe make it interactive: talk dirty to Yvette till she squeals?) David Wells on the other hand is as camp as a Cornish May pole and such a big warm, soft loveable lump of psychic sugar that you can’t help but like the guy. Maybe he’s just a better actor than Derek - who knows? - but he seems a darn sight more sensitive and is certainly a great deal more accurate in the information he produces psychically. And there’s none of this ridiculously over the top spiritual possession bollocks either. Lastly he also looks like Alison Moyet... and you know that just has to be a good thing.

So there you have it. Most Haunted. Top telly or crap cable codswallop? Evidence of real paranormal occurrences or just another dose of shoddy shamanistic charlatanry? I have to say that at the end of the day I just really, genuinely don’t care. Whatever side of the spiritual fence you choose to manifest on is entirely up to you. Please yourself. Believe or don’t believe. Whatever. I’m just happy to continue watching Yvette running around in the dark, squealing like a porn star on uppers every time the floorboards creak and then sleeping with the lights turned on because I’ve frit myself something stupid. It’s the highlight of my week.

Sad git, aren’t I?